


I'll Be in My Bunk

by using_this_name



Series: Crackity Crack [74]
Category: Supernatural, Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Prison, Blow Jobs, Bottom Derek, Crack, Derek and Stiles are Mates, Derek is a Failwolf, Drabble, Dropping the Soap, Foursome - M/M/M/M, Humor, M/M, Orgy, Prison Sex, Top Stiles Stilinski, Werewolf Mates, Wooing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-27
Updated: 2013-11-27
Packaged: 2018-01-02 20:18:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 3,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1061171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/using_this_name/pseuds/using_this_name
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Have you ever started writing a silly little prison AU that was supposed to end in awkward bunk bed sex, and ended up writing an epically long (for you) crossover prison fic with actual plot and nobody trading cigarettes for blowjobs?  Then you know exactly how I feel about whatever the fuck this is…</p><p>For an anonymous prompt that asked for:  Samifer prison AU where Sam becomes Lucifer’s bunkmate.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

****Sam:**** I am so not looking forward to this. Remember how badly our last prison stint went?

**Dean:**  Does anyone? That was, like, Season Two. We are much better at this shit now.

**Sam:**  If by ‘this shit’ you mean alcoholism and repression.

**Dean:**  Duh. Perfect prison disguise. Plus we owe him one.

**Sam:**  We owe him nothing!

**Dean:**  There was this one time I really needed toilet paper, and he was there for me, so…

**Guard:**  Get in your cells!

**Dean:**  Awesome! Time to meet our roommates!

*they go into their cells*

**Sam:**  God damn it.

**Lucifer:**  Heya Sammy. Funny story about God….

**Sam:**  What are you doing in prison?

**Lucifer:** I’m the fucking devil?

**Sam:**  Point. But what are you in for?

**Lucifer:**  Killing a man. Just to watch him die.

**Sam:**  So, white collar crime.

**Lucifer:**  White collar crime. But I _have_ killed men just to…

**Sam:** I believe you, tough guy.  Just stay on your side of the cell.

**Dean:** *yelling* Hey Sam! It’s our lucky day! Guess who my cell mate is?

**Sam:**  Someone who doesn’t want to use you for their own sinister purposes against your will? And take over the world?

**Dean:**  Well, I guess metaphorically…

**Chuck:** I told you. My books don’t have a very big audience. Certainly not worldwide. They’re more of a cult thing….

 


	2. Chapter 2

*in the lunch room*

 **Sam:**  So, Becky didn’t tell us what you’re in for.

 **Chuck:**  Oh. Well, see, I kept writing about these weird unexplainable murders, and they kept happening, so the Feds assumed I was recreating them or something. And ‘but they were evil’ wasn’t a great defense.

 **Sam:**  Ah. Well. Sorry about that then.

 **Dean:**  But not super sorry. Cause we told you to stop writing.

 **Chuck:**  Well, if it makes you feel better, I told Becky not to bother you about this.

 **Dean:**  Dude. No. We are gonna get you out of here. We owe you!

 **Sam:**  We really don’t.

 **Dean:**  Dude. Toilet paper. You don’t care until there isn’t any left. 

 **Chuck:**  Preach. I stockpile that shit.

 **Lucifer:**  What are we stockpiling? I once stockpiled the spleens of the innocent. Funny story, turns out the spell I was doing was actually calling for spoons….

 **Dean:**  Um.

 **Lucifer:**  *to Sam* Hey babycakes!

 **Sam:**  Go stick your head in a blender.

 **Lucifer:**  Aw, don’t be like that. They’ll think you have anger issues.

 **Sam:**  Who says I don’t have anger issues?

 **Lucifer:**  Whatever. I like that in a man. Anybody sitting here?

 **Sam:**  YES!

 **Lucifer:**  Too bad for them! Did you want your pudding cup?

 **Sam:**  Yes.

 **Lucifer:**  Too bad for you! So, how are we executing this prison break?

 **Chuck:**  About that. I really don’t need you guys to…

 **Sam:**  It’s no big deal. We have a plan. It’s a bit complex, and relies on the full moon next week and some kid we met on Craigslist, but we think it’ll work.

 **Chuck:**  Guys. That is really unnecessary. See, I’m actually…

 **Dean:**  There’s our contact! What was his name again?

 **Sam:**  Something weird and Polish? I’ll go talk to him.

 **Dean:**  I’ll come too. For backup.

 **Sam:**  Are we looking at the same dude? He’s a cute little Polish kid.

 **Dean:**  *smarmily* You know that’s right.

*they leave*

 **Lucifer:**  So you still haven’t told them who you are, ay Pops?

 **Chuck:**  That’d be no fun.

 **Lucifer:**  I suppose. Can I have your pudding cup?

 **Chuck:**  Make your own!

 **Lucifer:**  You took my angel powers!

 **Chuck:**  Oh yeah. I forgot. Here.

 **Lucifer:**  Can you make it tapioca? Pleassssse.

 **Chuck:**  All these millennia. I forgot how freaking whiny you are.

 


	3. Chapter 3

*in the shower*

**Lucifer:** OOPS. I DROPPED THE SOAP.

**Sam:**  Good for you. Please drown yourself.

**Lucifer:** WON’T YOU PICK IT UP FOR ME, SAMMIDY DOO DA?

**Sam:**  No. There is a reason I picked the stall farthest from you.

**Lucifer:** WON’T ANYONE HELP A POOR SOAPLESS MAN?

**A Cute Little Polish Kid:** I’ll get it for you…

**Sam:** NO! DON’T—

**Lucifer:**  Nah. It’s fine. He’s a bit stringy for my tastes. Thanks for the soap though.

**The Cute Little Polish Kid:**  No problem. I totally get the not wanting to slip thing.

**Dean:** OOPS. I DROPPED THE SOAP.

**Sam:** DEAN! NO HITTING ON OUR CONTACT!

**The **Cute Little Polish Kid** :** It’s okay. I’ve dealt with much worse in the boys’ locker room at school.

**Dean:** High school?

**The **Cute Little Polish Kid** :** Yup!

**Dean:**  Ah. Never mind. I found the soap.

**The **Cute Little Polish Kid** :** Aw. Not getting squeamish are you? I like a good age difference…

 


	4. Chapter 4

*in the yard*

**The Cute Little Polish Kid:**  So. The Plan, as I see it, goes like this: next Tuesday is what werewolves refer to as the ‘rampage moon’.

**Sam:**  And check this out. That means that on that full moon, werewolves rampage.

**Dean:** I got that, actually.

****The Cute Little Polish Kid** :** But they don’t just rampage. They rampage towards their mate.

**Chuck:**  Well, that sounds like an arbitrary plot device.

****The Cute Little Polish Kid**  (Oh, who are we kidding, let’s just call him Stiles):** And since I am the mate of a very large werewolf with anger issues…

**Sam:**  We just have to stand in the camera blind spot by the south wall, and he can rampage us out! Easy as pie.

**Lucifer:**  What the fuck. This shit is getting super convoluted. I thought it was supposed to be a Samifer prison thing, but the Samifer is obviously ridiculously slow build. I mean, I haven’t even got a blowjob in exchange for some smokes. Which, by the way, I’ve got smokes. And a hard on. Anyway, now we’re doing a crossover with some other stupid show that I’ve never even seen? About, apparently, gay werewolves?

**Sam:**  You should watch it. It’s like Buffy’s successor: the name and premise are really stupid, but the show steals your heart anyway ‘cause the writing’s awesome.

**Dean:**  Yeah. And there are hot shirtless dudes.

**Stiles:**  Right? So many hot…shirtless…

**Sam:**  Focus. The Plan.

**Stiles:**  Oh. Sorry. It’s been a while since I’ve gotten any.

**Dean:** I would offer to help, but apparently you have a werewolf mate that rampages. Also, you’re, like, 12.

**Stiles:** 18, I’d have you know. The author is way to lazy to tag for Underage. And you’d like my werewolf mate. You guys could not talk about your feelings together.

**Lucifer:** I’m still bored. I’m gonna start a brawl in the yard. Get some cliches going.

**Sam:**  Wait! We have to finish the plan!

**Dean:**  Dude. The plan is just ‘rampage.’

**Sam:**  True. Fine. I guess we can have a brawl.

**Lucifer:** Aw. This is why I love you. Now duck. *screaming to no one in particular* YOUR MOM IS UGLY!

*some time later*

**Chuck:**  God damn it. This was my favorite jump suit. Oh. Wait. I’m God. *snaps* Much better.

**Dean:** Sam? Sammy! SAMMY! WHY IS THERE SO MUCH BLOOD?!?

**Stiles:** I think most of it is marinara from that pot that fell on his head.

**Sam:**  Yeah. But it fell pretty hard. I think I might have a concussion.

**Lucifer:** YES! Do you know what this means? Infirmary scene! I can nurse you back to health! You won’t be able to help but fall for my tender, nurturing ways. SAMIFER, HERE WE COME!

**Sam:**  Could someone hand me that marinara pot? I want to throw it at him.

 


	5. Chapter 5

*in the infirmary*

**Chuck:**  No, I won’t whammy him into sleeping with you! Do you even hear yourself?

**Lucifer:**  But Daddy! I’m the devil! It’s practically expected!

**Chuck:**  That excuse only works so many times. You have to woo this one all on your own.

**Lucifer:**  But I don’t know how! I already tried showing him my penis. Also, climbing into his bunk while he was sleeping. And selling cigarettes for a lightly used high tech vibrator! It was plaid!

**Chuck:** And lightly used?

**Lucifer:**  What? I sterilized it.

**Chuck:** I think maybe you need to rethink your strategies.

**Lucifer:**  Like what?

**Chuck:** GAH. Why do I always end up giving this kind of advice? I just wanted to write some action/horror stories, and yet all anyone will ask me about is gay sex! Just once, I’d like somebody to ask me about the metaphysics of Leviathan transformation. Now that’s an interesting topic!

**Lucifer:**  Oh grow up! Like you didn’t notice all the homoerotic subtext as you were writing it.

**Chuck:** I’m freaking God. I INVENTED HOMOEROTIC SUBTEXT. That doesn’t mean I want to talk about it all the fucking time. Also, you’re my son. I don’t want to think about your sex life. Even if it is with someone as dreamy as Sam Winchester.

**Lucifer:**  Oh come on! I just need to know how to—

**Chuck:** Jesus Christ! Maybe you could start by putting your pants back on?

**Lucifer:**  But I want him to see me at my best when he wakes up….

**Chuck:**  Yeah. And right now you look deranged and desperate.

**Lucifer:**  Fine! What should I do instead?

**Chuck:**  Ugh. I’m going to have to do this, aren’t I? Let’s go down to the mess for a bit. It looks like Dean will be busy with those bandages for a while.

**Lucifer:**  He knows there was no actual blood, right?

**Chuck:** I think he’s earned his issues. Let’s go.

*some time later*

**Sam:** Gah.

**Lucifer:**  Hi Sammy. How are you doing? Want some water?

**Sam:**  Sure?

**Lucifer:**  Here.

**Sam:**  So. Why is my face covered in bandages?

**Lucifer:**  Dean got a little overprotective.

**Sam:**  Ah. But I’m okay?

**Lucifer:**  You’re fine. I mean. You’ve still got some wounds. Would you like me to tend to them?

**Sam:**  No thanks. Maybe a snack?

**Lucifer:**  Of course. The kitchen is a bit limited here, but I put together a simple pear and avocado salad with arugula and a light walnut vinaigrette.

**Sam:**  Really?!?

**Lucifer:**  Mhmm. Can I have a blow job now?

**Chuck:** *aside* Well, that lasted longer than I thought it would.

**Sam:**  Nah. The salad’s not quite that good. Maybe some mutual masturbation, though…

**Chuck:** *still aside* On the other hand…

**Lucifer:**  Also, I brought a selection of books for you to read.

**Sam:**  Blow jobs might happen.

**Chuck:** *grumbling as he gets up to leave* Are you kidding me right now? That’s all it took? This plot has more holes in it than fucking cheese cloth.

**Lucifer:**  You know we can hear you mumbling, yeah?

**Chuck:**  Goody for you. I’m gonna go get drunk in my cell.

 


	6. Chapter 6

*during visiting hours*

 **Scott:**  So I have some good new and some bad news.

**Stiles:**  Bad news first, obviously.

**Scott:** The Plan is not going to work.

**Stiles:**  What? Why not?

**Scott:**  Well, um, Derek was arrested.

**Stiles:**  For what?!?

**Scott:**  Squatting?

**Stiles:**  Fair. But isn’t that just a fine?

**Scott:** Turns out that ‘loft’ of his was an abandoned chemical plant. There were some pretty strict regulations against—

**Stiles:**  God damn it! I told him to get an apartment. I meant an apartment that wouldn’t turn him into the freaking Hulk…

**Scott:**  Um…

**Stiles:** I know. Bad metaphor. More like the Hulk. In a deranged bad way. Happy?

**Scott:**  Yup.

**Stiles:**  So did he tell you why he was living in, to mix comic book references, Gotham’s sewers?

**Scott:**  He said he has a phobia.

**Stiles:**  Of being a normal fucking human?

**Scott:**  He actually said ‘of normal fucking human beings’ but basically.

**Stiles:**  Okay. I want the good news. Please tell me that he’s in a minimum security that he can rampage out of on his way to rampage here?

**Scott:**  Oh. That would have been a good idea. And he would have been, but…

**Stiles:** Scott. What did you do?

**Scott:** I got Derek a plea deal.

**Stiles:**  Yeah?

**Scott:**  So, the good news is you get to see him every day for the rest of your sentence…

 


	7. Chapter 7

*back in the mess*

**Stiles:** Der-Bear!

**Derek:**  Please don’t…oh never mind. Yeah…Yeah…Right there.

*after some stuff*

**Derek:** You know you’re ruining my cred and yours, right? I don’t want anyone thinking I’m some sort of prison bitch…

**Stiles:**  But you _are_ —oh. You mean like for other people. It’s okay. You can eyebrow to death anyone who challenges your manhood.

**Derek:**  Thanks?

**Stiles:**  So. Come meet the crew. They’re pretty cool, for hunters. And some writer prophet dude. And the devil….

**Derek:**  They sound charming.

**Stiles:**  It’s not that bad. I mean, Dean here likes leather jackets and perving on my teenage ass. You guys have a lot in common.

**Dean:**  Um. What? No! I…

**Derek:**  It’s fine. It’s a nice ass, isn’t it?

**Dean:**  Yeah. Have you ever seen it in leather?

**Derek:**  Not leather pants, unfortunately. But sometimes he walks around my apartment in just my jacket…

**Dean:**  Awesome!

**Derek:**  Yeah. Hey! Speaking of leather, I’ve been meaning to try this thing, but we’d need at least one more guy to…

**Stiles:**  So. While they negotiate that particular set of kinks, why don’t the rest of us come up with another plan?

**Chuck:**  Actually…

**Lucifer:**  Aw, that sounded interesting. Sammy, how do you feel about leather gags?

**Sam:** Like you could wear one all the time and it might be an improvement?

**Lucifer:**  Harsh. But fair. I’ll look into it.

**Stiles:**  Let’s focus?

**Sam:** Are there any other werewolf mates in here? We could just adjust the plan a bit…

**Stiles:**  Nah. Derek would have gotten all territorial if he smelled another wolf on someone.

**Sam:**  Maybe they’ve been in here long enough…

**Stiles:**  Believe me. It’s a scent that…lingers.

**Derek:** DUDE! You have an Impala? Aw, I had this awesome Camaro, but I had to get rid of it when Isaac moved in and I kept having to drive him to soccer practice…

**Sam:**  Do you know any other werewolves whose mates we could bring in?

**Stiles:** I only know one other mated werewolf, but I’m not sure that will work.

**Sam:**  Why not?

**Stiles:**  Well, one of his mates has the best puppy dog eyes in creation. So he never gets in trouble no matter what he does.

**Sam:**  You said ‘one of’?

**Stiles:**  He’s got two. But the other one is scary as fuck and sneaks in and out of shadows like a freaking ghost. So I’m not sure she’d be able to get caught. Plus, her dad would kill me.

**Sam:**  Her dad? Jesus, I forgot you guys were so young.

**Stiles:**  If you had met Mr. Argent…

**Dean:** CHRIS ARGENT? Dude! How is he doing? God, that man has the most beautiful co—

**Stiles:** THAT’S ENOUGH OF THAT!

**Dean:**  Whatever. There was a foxhole thing. He’s hot.

**Derek:**  True story.

**Stiles:**  Wow. The two of you are like….We’re gonna have a threesome, aren’t we?

**Derek:**  Yup!

**Stiles:**  Woot! But where? My roommate is not up for being a voyeur.

**Chuck:** I just wanna say that I refuse to let you have a threesome on the bunk above me.

**Derek:**  Then it’s my room? I think my roommate will be fine with it. He was super quiet, which I liked. But he stared a lot. In a pervy way.

**Sam:**  That reminds me a lot of…

**Dean:** CAS! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!?

**Cas:**  Hello. I am sorry I am late. Apparently I was wearing the jumpsuit wrong. I thought it looked similar to the gimp suit we have at home, you know, the one with the…

**Derek:**  That’s him. Super pervy.

**Stiles:** I like that in a man.

**Dean:**  Yeah, what I actually meant was, what are you doing in jail?

**Cas:**  Ah. That was a misunderstanding. You see, I had to urinate quite badly…

**Dean:**  You flashed someone, didn’t you?

**Cas:**  Yes.

**Dean:**  Well, sit down. Let’s talk about the foursome we are going to have in your bunk.

**Cas:**  Oh fun! Are we doing the princess thing? I’ve always wanted…

**Dean:**  Actually, it’s more of a variation on the Christmas carolers thing. Derek came up with it.

**Cas:**  Oh, jolly good!

**Derek:**  Except not British.

**Cas:**  Aw.

 


	8. Chapter 8

*the shower some time later* 

 **Chuck:**  So, I know The Plan didn’t work as well as you guys hoped, but…

**Sam:** OOPS! I DROPPED THE SOAP!

**Lucifer:** I’LL GET IT!

**Chuck:** Jesus Christ, not again. Can’t you do this in your bunk?

**Lucifer:**  Nah. The play-doh gets too dry without—

**Chuck:**  Sorry I asked.

**Derek:**  So, are we gonna talk about a new plan? Not that I’m not enjoying it here, but don’t you guys have homes to get back to?

**Chuck:**  Well…

**Stiles:**  Aw. Baby, you know you can come live with me and Dad. If you don’t mind Melissa and Chris coming over all the time.

**Derek:** I don’t mind Chris coming at—

**Stiles:**  Do not finish that thought. You are talking about my dad’s sex life!

**Dean:**  But Chris is such a DILF!

**Derek:**  Back on topic. Getting out?

**Chuck:**  Well, I can—

**Sam:**  We came up with a couple…ungh…ideas, but…yeah, just like that…none of them really panned out. Unless one of you has a…mmm…holocaust cloak?

**Chuck:**  No, but—

**Derek:** I don’t have one. But could you substitute a—?

**Chuck:** GUYS!

*silence*

**Chuck:**  Thank you. What I’ve been trying to say - for quite a few chapters, might I add - is that we don’t really need a plan. I’m God. I just came here for some R&R.

**Lucifer:**  And brought me too. Thanks for that. The cage was super boring.

**Chuck:**  You’re welcome. Now, I can whammy you all out of here any time you want, so we really don’t need these elaborate and, frankly, ridiculous escape plans. You can leave whenever. And then it will be freaking quiet again.

**Sam:**  Oh. Well. Um. Do we have to leave?

**Dean:**  Not that that wouldn’t be great of you, but…

**Derek:**  Yeah. I’m kinda enjoying the lack of responsibility. And Cassy’s ass.

**Stiles:**  Though, the food is pretty horrible.

**Lucifer:**  Daddy can actually fix that, if you want. He makes awesome tapioca pudding.

**Stiles:**  Dude! Then I want to stay!

**Chuck:**  Fine. But I’m making my own room.

**Dean:**  Cool! Can you make the rest of us a suite?

**Chuck:**  That’s kind of an abuse of power. But I guess I am God. Abuse is in the job description.

**Sam:**  Well then. That’s settled. We can stop…No! Not you, Lucy. Keep going….stop worrying about that, and…

**Stiles:** OOPS! I DROPPED THE SOAP!

**Dean, Derek and Cas:** I’LL GET IT!

**Chuck:** I’m also getting a private shower.

 


	9. Epilogue

_Then…_

*Carry on my wayward son...*

**Sam:**  I am so not looking forward to this. Remember how badly our last prison stint went?

**Dean:**  Does anyone? That was, like, Season Two. We are much better at this shit now.

…

**Lucifer:**  Hey babycakes!

**Sam:**  Go stick your head in a blender.

…

**Sam:**  We have a plan. It’s a bit complex, and relies on the full moon next week and some kid we met on Craigslist, but we think it’ll work.

…

**Scott:**  The Plan is not going to work.

 

…

**Chuck:**  So, I know The Plan didn’t work as well as you guys hoped, but…

**Sam:**  OOPS! I DROPPED THE SOAP!

**Lucifer:**  I’LL GET IT!

**Chuck:**  I’m God. Now, I can whammy you all out of here any time you want, so we really don’t need these elaborate and, frankly, ridiculous escape plans. You can leave whenever. And then it will be freaking quiet again.

…

**Stiles:**  OOPS! I DROPPED THE SOAP!

**Dean, Derek and Cas:**  I’LL GET IT!

_Now…_

**Adam:**  That was awesome.

**Michael:**  Yes. We should definitely try it again.

**Adam:**  Right now?

**Michael:**  Give me a few minutes.

**Adam:**  You know, eventually we should probably leave the cell.

**Michael:** I don’t see why. As long as Daddy keeps sending us food…

**Adam:**  But we’re in prison. Do you really wanna miss out on the thing in the shower where someone drops the soap, and the other person…?

**Michael:**  That would be fun. Maybe after a few more rounds.

**Adam:**  Sure. You ready yet?

**Michael:** Yup! Go for it!

**Adam:** *in a high pitched voice* Oh! But, Your Majesty…!

**Michael:** *in a low voice* I am afraid you shan’t be able to talk your way out of this one, Esmeralda!

 

**Author's Note:**

> If you want updates as they happen, follow me on tumblr, where I am going by using-this-name (with dashes instead of underscores).
> 
> I would also LOVE any prompts that you would like to send me on tumblr. Any pairing, or any trope!


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